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Romeo & Juliet
 


     
ACT II, Scene iv
Act II, Scene iv: A street. Enter BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO.
MERCUTIO
  Where the devil is Romeo?
Didn't he come home last night?
BENVOLIO
  Not to his father's house, according to his servant.
MERCUTIO
  That pale-hearted witch, Rosaline,
torments him so much that he'll surely go crazy!
BENVOLIO
  Tybalt, old Capulet's nephew,
sent a letter to Romeo's house.
MERCUTIO
  That letter contains a challenge to duel, I'll bet my life.
BENVOLIO
  Romeo will answer it.
MERCUTIO
  Any man who can write may answer a letter.
BENVOLIO
  No, I meant Romeo will answer the writer of the letter. He'll take up the challenge to duel.
MERCUTIO
  Poor Romeo, he's already dead. He's been stabbed with that white maid's black eye; shot through the air with a love song; and the very center of his heart has been split by Cupid's blunt arrow. Is he the kind of man to fight a duel with Tybalt?
BENVOLIO
  Why? Who is Tybalt?
MERCUTIO
  He's not just the prince of cats. He's the brave master of all the laws of etiquette. He fights as you would sing from a music sheet, keeping time, distance, and proportion. He observes even the shortest rests--one two, and the third is a sword in your breasts. He's the butcher of a silk button on his opponent's shirt. A duelist, a duelist! He's a gentleman from the best school of fencing and ready to quarrel over a trifle. He gives the immortal lunge, the backhanded thrust, the home thrust!
BENVOLIO
  The what?
MERCUTIO
  Damn these grotesque, lisping, snobbish fops, these speakers of buzz words! "By Jesus, he was a very good swordsman! A very brave man! A very good fellow!" Isn't it terrible, venerable sir, that we should be plagued with these strange parasites--these fashion nuts, these courteous fops who so insist on new fashion that they're not at ease with our old manners and learning? O their bones, their bones!
Enter ROMEO.
BENVOLIO
  Here comes Romeo! Here comes Romeo!
MERCUTIO
  Look like a fish that has been spawned-like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how fishy you have become! Now he's ready to say the kind of poems that Petrarch wrote. But compared with Rosaline, Petrarch's lady lover Laura was just a kitchen maid (even if she did have better love poems written to her). Compared with Rosaline, Dido was a drab woman; Cleopatra, deceitful; Helen and Hero good-for-nothings and loose women; Thisbe's shining eyes might be lovely but are not worth mentioning. Sir Romeo, bonjour, good day! That's a French hello for your French pants. You certainly gave us the counterfeit last night.
ROMEO
  Good morning to both of you. What counterfeit did I give you?
MERCUTIO
  The slip, sir, the slip! Don't you understand?
ROMEO
  Excuse me, good Mercutio, I had some serious business to take care of, and in a case such as mine, a man may forget his manners.
MERCUTIO
  That's as much as admitting that, in your condition, you have to bow from the hips.
ROMEO
  You mean to curtsy.
MERCUTIO
  You have interpreted quite graciously.
ROMEO
  You gave a very polite explanation.
MERCUTIO
  Indeed, I am the height of courtesy.
ROMEO
  You mean pink for flower.
MERCUTIO
  Right.
ROMEO
  Then my shoe is well-flowered.
MERCUTIO
  Touche! Now follow this joke until you have worn out your shoe so that when your single sole is worn out, the joke will be remembered after the telling as unique.
ROMEO
  What a weak joke, remarkable only for being so pathetic.
MERCUTIO
  You'll have to come between us, Benvolio. I can't think of a comeback.
ROMEO
  Come on, keep it up, or I'll claim victory!
MERCUTIO
  Well, if our wits are on a wild-goose chase, I'm done for. I'm certain you have more wild goose in one of your wits than I have in all five of mine. There--didn't I hit home at the end of the game?
ROMEO
  You were never with me anywhere if you weren't there looking for a streetwalker.
MERCUTIO
  I'll bite you on the ear for that joke!
ROMEO
  No, good goose, don't bite me.
MERCUTIO
  Your wit is like a tart apple: it makes very sharp sauce.
ROMEO
  Doesn't such a sauce go well with a sweet goose like you?
MERCUTIO
  O, here's wit of pliable leather. You stretch a little joke a long way.
ROMEO
  I'll stretch my wit to tackle that word "broad" which, when added to goose, proves that you're known far and wide as an out-and-out goose.
MERCUTIO
  Now, isn't this better than groaning for love? Now you're being friendly, now you're the Romeo I remember. You're Romeo! Now you are what you are, in learning as well as by temperament. This silly love talk is like a big idiot running up and down with his tongue hanging out, trying to hide his toy in a hole.
BENVOLIO
  Stop! Stop!
MERCUTIO
  You want me to stop when I don't want to stop.
BENVOLIO
  If I hadn't stopped you, you would have told an overly long story.
MERCUTIO
  You're wrong. I'd have kept it short because I said all I'd meant to say, and really didn't intend to continue the discussion any longer.
ROMEO (sees Juliet's nurse coming)
  Here comes some handsome stuff.
Enter NURSE and her servant PETER.
  A sail, a sail!
MERCUTIO
  Two sails! A man and a woman.
NURSE
  Peter!
PETER
  At your service!
NURSE
  Give me my fan, Peter.
MERCUTIO
  Give it to her, good Peter, so she can hide her face. Her fan is prettier than her face.
NURSE
  Good morning, gentlemen.
MERCUTIO
  Good afternoon, lovely lady.
NURSE
  Is it afternoon already?
MERCUTIO
  It is, I assure you. The naughty hand on the clock is now on the point of noon.
NURSE
  Shame on you! What kind of man are you?
ROMEO
  He's one, madam, who was made to harm himself.
NURSE
  Truly, that was a clever remark. "Made to harm himself," did he say? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I can find young Romeo?
ROMEO
  I can tell you. But young Romeo will be older when you have found him than when you started looking for him. I'm the youngest by the name of Romeo, for lack of a worse name.
NURSE
  You speak well.
MERCUTIO
  Really, is the "worst" good? You're very perceptive, indeed! How intelligent!
NURSE (to Romeo)
  If you're Romeo, sir, I want to have a confidence with you.
BENVOLIO
  She'll indite him to supper.
MERCUTIO
  A streetwalker, streetwalker, a streetwalker! I found her!
ROMEO
  What have you found?
MERCUTIO
  Not a streetwalker sir. Unless a streetwalker is like meat in a pie served during Lent--stale and old before it is eaten.

Romeo, will you come back to your father's house?
We're going to have dinner there.
      He walks by them and sings.
     
"An old rabbit harlot,
Yes, an old rabbit harlot,
Is very good meat in Lent;
But a rabbit that is moldy
Is not good enough to be paid for,
When it rots before it is eaten."
  Romeo, will you come back to your father's house? We're going to have dinner there.
ROMEO
  Yes, I'll follow you.
MERCUTIO (to Nurse)
  Goodbye, old lady. Goodbye. (Sings) "Lady, lady, lady."
MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO leave.
NURSE
  Tell me, sir, what rude fellow was that who had such a fresh mouth?
ROMEO
  He's a gentleman, nurse, who loves to hear himself talk and who'll say more in a minute than he'll listen to in a month.
NURSE
  If he says anything bad about me, I'll beat him up-even if he were bigger than he is and even if there were twenty such rascals like him. And if I can't beat him up, I'll find someone who can. Disgusting rascal! I'm not one of his flirting women and I'm
not one of his cutthroats. (To Peter) And you just stood there and let every rascal use me as he pleased.
PETER
  I didn't see any man use you at his pleasure. If I had, I would have drawn my weapon
quickly. I swear, I'm as quick to draw my sword as any man, if I see there's a basis for a good quarrel and if the law is on my side.
NURSE
  I swear to God, I'm so upset that I am shaking all over. Disgusting rascal! (To Romeo) Sir, I must speak with you. As I was telling you, my young lady sent me to find you. What she told me to say, I'll keep to myself. First, let me tell you, if you should seduce her, it would be a terrible thing to do. My mistress is young, and if you should two-time her, that would be a terrible thing to do to any lady and very unmanly behavior.
ROMEO
  Nurse, give my regards to your lady, your mistress. I vow--
NURSE
  Good fellow, truly, I'll tell her so. Lord, lord, she'll be a happy woman.
ROMEO
  What will you tell her, nurse? You didn't listen to me.
NURSE
  I'll tell her, sir, that you made a vow, which, as I understand it, is a gentlemanlike offer.

ROMEO
  Tell her to find
a way to come to confession this afternoon.
There at Friar Laurence's cell
she shall receive absolution and be married. Here's some money for your trouble.
NURSE
  No indeed, sir, I won't take a penny.
ROMEO
  Not another word! You shall take it.
NURSE
  You want her to come this afternoon, sir? Well, she'll be there. (Starts to leave)
ROMEO
  Good nurse, wait! My servant will come with you
within an hour behind the abbey wall,
and bring you a rope ladder like those used on ships,
which will be my passageway in the dark night
to the peak of my happiness.
Goodbye. Be trustworthy and I'll reward you.
Goodbye. Give my love to your mistress.
NURSE
  God in heaven bless you,--Listen, sir.
ROMEO
  What did you want to say, dear nurse?
NURSE
  Can your servant keep a secret? Didn't you ever hear the saying,
"Two can keep a secret if one is dead?"
ROMEO
  I assure you that my servant is as trustworthy as steel.
NURSE
  Well, sir-my mistress is the sweetest lady. Lord, lord! When she was just a little chattering thing--O, there's a nobleman in town named Paris who's eager to marry Julie. But she good soul, would as soon see a toad, a real toad, as to see him. I make her angry sometimes and tell her that Paris is handsomer than you are. But, I swear to you that when I say that, she looks as pale as any rag in the universe. Don't rosemary and Romeo begin with the same letter?
ROMEO
  Yes, nurse. So what? Both begin with R.
NURSE
  You teaser--R is a dog's name. R is for the--No, I know it beings with some other letter--and she has the prettiest sententious. That letter and you and rosemary. It would do you good to hear them.
ROMEO
  Give my love to your lady.
NURSE
  Yes--a thousand times. (ROMEO leaves.) Peter!
PETER
  Right away!
NURSE
  Go! Go before me and quickly!
NURSE exits after PETER.